Hi there, Lisa here. Before we start the show, I have a few disclaimers that I would like for you to keep in mind, as you listen to each Episode. First, this show will cover a variety of topics related to connection, mental health, work, & life; & some of these topics may be sensitive for you or someone you know. I want to offer you permission to choose courage over comfort when it comes to consuming sensitive content; & also, permission to respect your own limits when it comes to consuming this content which may be sensitive for you. I also need to indicate that while I am a licensed therapist, I am not your therapist. This show is not intended to be direct professional advice & you should not use this as a substitute for individualized, professional help. Lastly, while I can assure you that any of the coachable or teachable content I share will have demonstrated effectiveness – & are practices I use myself – I can also assure you that I am imperfect & there are times when I do not act as skillfully, as I would have liked. My goal is to act skillfully, most of the time; & I very much want that for you, too! Now, with that said, let’s start the show.
Hello & welcome to Wired to Connect, the startup mental health podcast that keeps you going every week, with our easily digestible lessons, skills, & stories, that you can put into practice immediately. I’m your host, your coach, your teacher, Lisa Birnbaum; I’m also a social worker, a therapist, & the Co-Founder of Strengths Squared: a therapy, coaching, & consulting practice, for startup founders & their teams, that I started with my wife & Co-Founder in 2021. The learnings we are sharing here, come from a combination of the lived experiences of the startup founders & startup team members we’ve worked with over the years, from our own lived experiences, & from research-backed strategies, too. And we are so excited to be able to share these insights here, with all of you now. In today’s episode, we’ll be discussing. . .
How to give feedback, effectively. In our last episode, we talked about what needs to be in place prior to giving feedback. Now, we’re going to build off of that to discuss how to give feedback, effectively. Keep in mind while listening, that what we’re discussing today is intended for Founders and those in designated Leadership positions. If however, you are wanting to give feedback, effectively, to your boss – or ‘managing-up’, so-to-speak – that’s not to say that you won’t find anything in today’s episode applicable to you, right now. I just want to acknowledge though, that there is an inherent power differential at play when ‘managing-up’ that requires a bit more nuance. Perhaps I’ll do a separate Episode on this in the future. For right now though, if you are an Individual Contributor or a Direct Report, by all means, listen-in; & you’ll be ahead of the game if you do decide to take-on a designated Leadership position in the future. As I mentioned in our last episode, I am very much of the belief that being clear with someone regarding expectations, behaviors, culture, climate, or deliverables, is an act of kindness. It isn't kind to not offer feedback, to not invest in that person’s growth, to not believe it's worthwhile to take that time to deliver feedback & to show the person you believe in them. It isn't kind to delay feedback, in an attempt to not be viewed as too demanding or too controlling or micromanaging. Yes, absolutely, we should find other ways to work on how we’re coming across. We shouldn’t do this though, by avoiding hard conversations in an attempt to lessen our own discomfort. It also isn't kind to delay giving someone feedback hoping they’ll figure it out on their own, while then providing additional opportunities for them to continue to ‘mess up’. None of this is kind. Being clear is actually what is kind. And I am very much of the belief that it is vital to be consistently delivering feedback in an effective way. Is giving feedback effectively, even something we can learn & get better at, though? Absolutely! Essentially, these are communication skills rooted in mindfulness & interpersonal effectiveness, & – like any set of skills – these can be learned, practiced, & improved upon!
So much of this is interconnected. I’m going to break all of this down for you in today’s episode. So, let’s get into it; let’s make some meaningful connections!
Support for today’s show comes from our very own, Strengths Squared. What if you really knew the type of startup founder you are, or the type of future-startup founder you are likely to become? Would it change your trajectory? Would you do anything differently? Well now you can better answer these questions for yourself, by taking the quiz we created, specifically for startup founders and future-startup founders. In 10, pinpoint questions, you’ll identify your leadership strengths, as well as your opportunities for growth. At the end, you’ll see which type of startup founder you are – or which type of future-startup founder you are likely to become – so that you can move forward with the clarity, courage, and confidence to ensure that your type is working for you, rather than against you. Just head to: strengthssquared.com/quiz to take the first step toward being the best startup founder you can be. That’s s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com-forward-slash-quiz, and we can’t wait to hear which type of startup founder you are!
Okay, so how then, can we ensure we are consistently delivering feedback in an effective way? I’m going to share with you 6 suggestions to begin working on this:
Start by giving genuine, positive feedback – also known as praise – as often as possible. I cannot overstate the importance of this. Even if it makes us uncomfortable or if we’re someone who personally doesn't see the value in it. In psychology, positive feedback or praise, is a type of positive reinforcement; and negative feedback or criticism, is a type of punishment. As I – or any parent of a child or any parent of a dog can tell you – positive reinforcement is far more effective for maintaining desired behaviors than a punishment is, for changing undesired behaviors. Please, please, trust me on this & take my word for it! It is super-important!
Then, model what it looks like to receive feedback, effectively, before we give feedback. This creates a sense of trust that we are walking our talk & fosters a startup culture where giving & receiving feedback effectively, is-the-norm. We’ll get into how to receive feedback, effectively, in our next Episode. For right now though, here are some things we can consider:
We can start Reviews with our Teams by sharing what we’re doing well & what we’re not doing well & emailing the whole company for help or suggestions on specific skills we’re not particularly skilled at. Michelle Polluso of Guilt Group is known to do this. By modeling vulnerability here – which takes courage – she is also demonstrating that she genuinely wants to receive this feedback & does a nice job connecting it to her own opportunities for growth.
We can also have our own ‘go to’ question that facilitates someone’s willingness to give us feedback. Fred Kaufman, author of Conscious Business, advocates asking, “What could I do or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me or would make your life easier?” Alternatively, when we ask someone if they have any feedback for us, in sort-of a “yes” or “no” kind of way – especially if they are a direct report of ours – it can be harder for them to answer this honestly. That’s why I love Fred Kaufman’s way of asking this!
And, we can also embrace the discomfort of asking for feedback & not getting it. It can be so tempting for us, in these situations, to move on & to not really push this further. However, by allowing for some silence or blank space to think, by sitting through any perceived awkwardness or discomfort, & by asking additional, differently worded questions, we just might be surprised with what we can learn!
3. Next, cultivate a startup culture where caring personally & challenging directly are expected. Co-Founder-CEO-Tech Advisor-Author Kim Scott refers to this as “Radical Candor” in her seminal book of the same name. Feel free to Google this for more info. Essentially though, if we picture a 2 x 2 grid – or 4 quadrants – with an “X-Axis” that represents “Challenging Directly” & a “Y-Axis” that represents “Caring Personally”, a feedback style of “Radical Candor” sits at the “top right” quadrant of the grid, as it is high on “Challenging Directly” & also high on “Caring Personally”. When we intentionally create an environment where the person we’re giving feedback to knows that we care about them personally, it gives us permission to challenge them directly, without engaging in behavior that is perceived as – or actually is – obnoxious, in nature.
4. Next, know the context of the relationship to each person we are giving feedback to. This is especially useful for us to understand, so that we can know whether it would be helpful for us to flex a bit more on the “caring personally” end, or perhaps on the “challenging directly” end of the spectrum for each particular person.
5. Next, use the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) framework whenever we are giving someone feedback. This framework was developed by the Center for Leadership, & can be used in any feedback conversation. First step, Situation: we offer some brief context for what the situation is. Second step, Behavior: we describe – objectively – the behavior we observed, using just the facts. And third step, Impact: we share the impact of the observable behavior. This separates fact from opinion & acknowledges that we are not this all-knowing person that has all the answers. It also forces us to challenge behaviors, or actions; rather than challenging the person’s attributes, or character (which can be incredibly provoking & can lead to the person either not receiving the feedback well, by becoming defensive; or not being able to take in the feedback at all, by shutting down.) When we put all 3 steps together in our Situation-Behavior-Impact framework, this could sound something like, “On the phone with our client, when you were stating things as facts, the tone of your voice sounded like you were asking a question. And because it sounded like you were asking a question, it came off as if you were far less prepared than I knew you were.”
6. And lastly, focus on our commitment to this person’s growth & let that come across in every feedback conversation. The better equipped we are to actually help this person with the feedback we’re giving, the less likely it is for our feedback to be perceived as – or to actually be – personal, unfair, or judgmental. And the more likely it is for our feedback to be perceived as – & to actually be – genuinely caring about this person & committed to their growth. We can do this by:
Being Frequent with our feedback: by giving the person feedback often & close-in-time to the situation, when our memory is most fresh. This reinforces a startup culture where giving feedback often & close-in-time to the situation is-the-norm. Plus, these two minute, real-time conversations directly after the situation, allow us to prevent these really intense, bubbled-up, laundry-list, 45-minute conversations, where the person just feels like they are getting piled on with criticism.
We can also do this by being Clear: by utilizing the Situation-Behavior-Impact framework, which I just went through.
And, we can also do this by giving Actionable feedback: by offering the person a suggested next step or potential solution, after asking for their thoughts on the situation & allowing them the opportunity to offer a solution. Also, in many situations, there is not only one solution to a problem. If we offer a potential solution, it helps to indicate that we are not certain that our solution is the ‘right’ solution, & that it simply could be a viable option. Using our Situation-Behavior-Impact example from before, this could sound like, “On the phone with our client, when you were stating things as facts, the tone of your voice sounded like you were asking a question. And because it sounded like you were asking a question, it came off as if you were far less prepared than I knew you were. Did you happen to notice that at all? Do you have any thoughts on how to work on this? I’d be happy to run-through the next call with you ahead of time, and practice for it with a role play.”
As I hope you’ve come to appreciate, with each of these 6 suggestions, so much of this is interconnected. I’ll be back to recap all of these connections, right after this …
Support for today’s show comes from our very own Strengths Squared, a therapy, coaching, and consulting practice, partnering with startup founders & startup teams. At Strengths Squared, our goal is not to have to treat burnout after the fact; and instead, to prevent burnout from happening in the first place. We do this by equipping startup founders and their teams with the necessary skills to build sustainable, mentally healthy work cultures of collective care, collective accountability, & intentional work-life integration. If you are a startup founder, a startup team member, or are someone who might be a future-startup founder, and are navigating a challenging topic that you would like addressed on our show, or you have a question you would like answered on our show, please send an email to: podcast@strengthssquared.com for a chance to have your topic addressed or to have your question answered, on a future episode. Again, that’s p-o-d-c-a-s-t-@-s-t-r-e-n-g-t-h-s-s-q-u-a-r-e-d-dot-com, and we’ll keep our eyes out for your topics & your questions.
Let’s go ahead and pull all these connections together. To recap, my 6 suggestions for giving feedback, effectively are:
Number 1: Start by giving genuine, positive feedback – also known as praise – as often as possible.
Number 2: Then, model what it looks like to receive feedback, effectively, before we give feedback.
Number 3: Cultivate a startup culture where caring personally & challenging directly are expected.
Number 4: Know the context of the relationship to each person we are giving feedback to.
Number 5: Use the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) framework whenever we are giving someone feedback.
And Number 6: Focus on our commitment to this person’s growth & let that come across in every feedback conversation.
Thank you so much for listening to Wired to Connect & I hope this was helpful. If you would like a chance to win our Free Startup Coaching Session, which retails for $500, keep your ears out in the very next section for-the-instructions.
That wraps up today’s episode. I hope you loved it! Don’t forget to hit “Subscribe” or “Follow” on your favorite podcast app, so you don’t miss an episode. And, we are currently giving away our Free Startup Coaching Session! If you want to win a free coaching session, just leave us a rating & write a review on Apple Podcasts or the podcast app of your choice; and you’ll be entered in our weekly, random, draw. This type of startup coaching session retails for $500, & can be yours for free; by rating and writing a review of our podcast. Then, listen in next week to see if you won. It’s that simple! Thanks so much in advance, for supporting us on Apple Podcasts or on the podcast app of your choice!
Before I go, I want to leave you with this: As I mentioned in our last episode, most startup team members, when asked, indicate they would like to receive more feedback, as opposed to less. And again, this is especially true for team members in marginalized groups, who, far too often, are not given feedback with the same actionable specificity or with the same frequency, as their non-marginalized peers. Start with a bit of a self-assessment, by simply, checking-in with yourself & with your understanding around the suggestions that I shared & then, start practicing! And be sure to tune-in to our next Episode, Episode 4, where we’ll be talking all about how to skillfully receive feedback.
Thank you to my incredibly talented cousin, Andrew Fisher, for writing & playing the original music for this show. And, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to my amazing wife, partner, & Co-Founder, Marisa, for your belief in me, & in this show; for everything you do for our family & for Strengths Squared, for everything you are doing behind the scenes for Wired to Connect, & without whom, none of this would be possible! Lastly, & perhaps most importantly, thank you so much, to all of you who are listening, for supporting us by choosing to spend your time with us, for connecting with us, & for keeping an open mind & an open heart. I’ll look forward to connecting with you in next week’s episode. And until then, take good care, & remember, we are all Wired to Connect!
